The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
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ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
sir, my pâté if you please
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek