@SamGrittner: The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
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@BDGarp: Me: Have fun on your date. Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high? Me: You really aren't my kid are you?
@TheBoydP: Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words "gruesome discovery" coming from your TV on the morning news.
@DurtMcHurtt: Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash* McDonald's employee: [nervously assuring me] it's all there I swear.
@OfNorthAmerica: I'm gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.