@SamGrittner: The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
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@dixonshuman: My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn't return it.
@werehedgehog: When your baby cries, don't feed it. That's just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
@AskAuntieEm1: Answer your phone, "come in" just to mess with people once in a while. Count how many seconds it takes for them to respond.
@Sean_Burgundy_: [ Skydiving ] Instructor: SIR. You can't just jump out without your equipment on Me: *Shows him text of gf saying "We need to talk"