The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
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M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
Mmmm. Shoeshi
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”