@SamGrittner: The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
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@WilliamRodgers: "I don't get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses..." -Superman
@ilovepie84: This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the "Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen" that should confuse her for a while.
@crylenol: Hansel: how are we gonna get home Gretel: we should leave some sort of trail Duck: [pitching voice] how about a trail of bread crumbs
@david8hughes: [sees old friend after 4 years] "God, you were so fat back in school." "Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year." "No you didn't."