@SamGrittner: The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
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@davidkenny100: Pal: on your date, don't let her think you get jealous on date Date: the steak please Me: So you know, I'm cool with you talking to that guy
@junejuly12: Diamonds aren't a girl's best friend. Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl's best friend.
@LostCatDog: Waiter: Hi! Our special today is macaroni or cheese! Me: Wait - did you say 'or' cheese? Waiter: *lifts shirt, reveals gun* Look, I'm a cop