@SamGrittner: The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
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@Vodkantots: I thought I found my soul mate for a minute there, but he was just a pervert on the internet. *runs after him
@Try2StopME: He: That's a handsome dog. What's his name? She: Roger He: Does he bite? She: No He: How does he eat then?
@longwall26: One day, some dude was all "You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig," and everybody went "That is a GREAT idea."
@novicefather: I listen to gangsta rap sprinkled with a little Sarah McLachlan. Will I murder you? Will I adopt a puppy with you? You don't know.