@SamGrittner: The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
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@mrjohndarby: [city marathon] ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK? RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
@ShoutingGoddess: One day we'll open Twitter & it'll just say: Thanks for playing! Hope you enjoyed this social experiment. Now apologise to your loved ones.
@taylorhosey1: How can people get engaged after dating less than a year? You haven't seen their fall wardrobe yet and tbh it could be a deal breaker