The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
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I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
Jesus steals the winter solstice
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
True
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy