Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
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[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
it’s finally my moment to shine
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
HELP 😭
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.