@lwhit_the_boss: The government is so screwed up and dysfunctional, I'm amazed I haven't tried to date it yet
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@FattMernandez: I haven't seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
@Tall_Yoda7: *struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open* "HOLY COW, I'M STRONGER THAN MYSELF"
@ChipKellysBalls: Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It's like having a remote to open the fridge.
@CeruleanGates: The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?