The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
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My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.