The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
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The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
The pen is writier than the sword.
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year