The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
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*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.