How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
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if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies