Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
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It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
Donkey Kong sommelier
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.