The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
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Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.