The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
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Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
May you never lose your sense of wonder.