The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
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Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.