The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
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If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.