@tequilasaltlife: The grass was greener on the other side, so we smoked it.
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@Dutch_50: Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
@XplodingUnicorn: 4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you? Me: Marriage is complicated. 4: Is it because you’re stupid?
@GrumpyCatsMind: If you get angry, just take deep breaths and count to ten. Unless you're angry about oxygen and numbers.
@PaperWash: "are you sure these x-rays are safe?" [doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you're fine