These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
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Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.