@tequilasaltlife: The grass was greener on the other side, so we smoked it.
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@stuckinaportal: *wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets* WE ARET HROUGH maybe it's an anagram *rearranges* ROUGH WEATHER whoa better pack an umbrella
@Jandalize: My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it's ok to leave her alone with him.
@donni: Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over? Me: Do you know why I stopped? *silence* *a saxophone wails in the distance*
@shadygrenade: Obama: Get Air Force One ready. Biden: OK! *runs off* Obama: The plane, not the movie. *Biden does 360* Biden: Yeah I know.