*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
You Might Also Like
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
To see more unmatched reporting, visit
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
Smile Twitter, Smile.
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch