*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
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I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
Mmmm. Shoeshi
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
What an awful time to have common sense.
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*