Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
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skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
Muppet Screams
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
Sending in my taxes
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely