my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
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[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!