The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
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Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
Science memes
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”