@samalmightysam: The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it's a Chinese product that's lasted more than a month.
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@CodyJP9412: [Petco] INTERVIEWER: We're looking for a real cat person. ME: *slowly pushes paperwork off desk* INTERVIEWER: holy shit
@velvettusk: My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
@iGreenMonk: I can always tell when someone is lying by tying them down and strapping them to a lie detector.
@AnkCoupleTO: Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I'll fol- Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!