@Cheeseboy22: The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they've canceled your kid's Saturday sporting event.
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@TheToddWilliams: [creation] GOD: Alright guys, please read the sex manuals I've provided RABBIT: Oh hell yeah STUD HORSE: Ah nice PRAYING MANTIS: What the f–
@TheTweetOfGod: Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you've already screwed it up.
@ProdigyNelson: [date] Her: "Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I'm a sagittarius, what are you?" Me: *halfway out the door* "Educated."