@Vodkantots: The greatest thing about Christmas is how it teaches kids to be selfish little shits on someone else's birthday.
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@JennyJohnsonHi5: It's not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
@Brampersandon_: [Me]: "I have hat-like reflexes" [You]: Don't you mean cat-like reflexes? [Me]: *sitting on top of your head* "Nope"
@KyleMcDowell86: "Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job" [Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer's hand clean off]