@Vodkantots: The greatest thing about Christmas is how it teaches kids to be selfish little shits on someone else's birthday.
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@zachheltzel: Twilight is like soccer. They run around for 2 hours, nobody scores, and its millions of fans insist you just don't understand.
@Tommytoughstuff: [High school reunion] Hey guys! Remember me!? "No" How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head* (in unison) CHRIS!
@HatfieldAnne: *gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we'll never use and your antique pesticide collection*