Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
You Might Also Like
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you