The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
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2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊