The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
You Might Also Like
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born