*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
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Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse