“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
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Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’