DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
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“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
prepare for carbonated trouble
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…