the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
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INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy