@TheDreamGhoul: the guy at the liquor store didn't card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we're just standing here
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@BlackJerms: At Twitter HQ J: Users haven't complained in a while, what's going on? Devs: Oh, we've got just the thing *releases update
@jergarl: Wife:Did you take ambien last night? Me: *recalls riding a unicorn that's on fire* No, why? W:The dog's wearing a saddle and she's orange.
@vinfury: Hey you know what will go good with all that beer you just drank? Social media and a camera phone!