please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
You Might Also Like
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search