*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
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My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”