‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
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People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.