If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
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Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
incredible text to wake up to
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry