@myles_morrison: The guy behind me at the grocery store only had energy drinks, root beer & gummie lifesavers, so I asked how far into assassins creed he was
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@JermHimselfish: I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don't text me back.
@JizzIam: Called my mum to tell her I was stuck in a rut. She yells that life is tough, get on with it & hangs up. I'm now waiting on a tow truck.
@Mr_Kapowski: Travel Agent: Hello sir! Interested in a vacation? Me: *puts cat on the phone* [20 mins later] Travel Agent: I've got you booked for Maui