We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
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I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
We decided to have money instead of children.
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.