How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
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If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.