The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
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if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
Why are bridges so flammable.
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes