@kumailn: "Forget our mess. I'll go into the beauty of the natural world." *Planet Earth 2. 100 snakes swarm iguana baby* "I'll go back to the news."

@J_Illunninati: The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them

@mattZillaaaa: Whenever someone tells me "make yourself at home" at their house, I always clog their toilet

@Amusitr0n: *Cowboy stares at the horizon* "A storm's comin" [In the distance, Darude 'Sandstorm' can be heard faintly] *Cowboy cracks a glowstick*

@Home_Halfway: Any writer can be a ghost writer if you kill them