@DurtMcHurtt: The guy I cheat off moved seats before today's spelling test, like he's teaching me some kind of lessen.
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@iamburtjarvis: [2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure] other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
@ActingAnEejit: It's illegal to tie your children to things but you can basically do the same by buying them a phone with a short charger and a bad battery.
@bridger_w: At my funeral, I'd like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of