My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
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If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”