The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
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He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
He-man has a Masters degree
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits