The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
You Might Also Like
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
*pokes sex life with a stick
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?