The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
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Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.