The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
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I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
Well, this is awkward
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
an airline just for babies.
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should