the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
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I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
Twitter is an abusement park.
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name