the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
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What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
The two types of wives
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
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