[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
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“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks