@Parker_Simpson: The guy who coined the phrase,"I'm not gettin any younger." The guy he said it to then coined the phrase,"No shit, Sherlock."
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@VinnieLovelace: Saw a guy with a barcode tattoo on his neck. Scanned it with my RedLaser app & he couldn't believe I found him cheaper on 3 online stores
@Fred_Delicious: "Dad can we get a puppy?" "No but we can get a submarine if you like?" [2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific] "dad I should be at school"
@joe_binkley: (Cargo pants filled with tater tots) "How many do I need to get an Xbox?" "Sir, that's not how Toys for Tots works." "FALSE ADVERTISING!"