Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
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There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
⚠️ Important Reminder:
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
Traveler’s camo
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans