Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
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[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
How do you like your Corgi?
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back