I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
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McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.