The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
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police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long